Our first capture

Truly a proud moment in human history, the first capture. The founding fathers and first two full agents, Pearson Cooper, and William Lucas began the first capture ever. After rounding up a used king sized sheet, some rope, and a dove decoy (with fishing line attached), they set out on their journey to capture Ryan Macleod (later sub agent). After the long trek over, they had it all planned out. Pearson would lure Ryan to the side of his house with the dove, and William would jump up over him with the sheet. After tackling him to the ground, they would proceed to tie him up and force him to sign. It was not this easy. After William rang the doorbell, Pearson waited with his dove. Ryan followed it, but spotted Pearson! Luckily, William was thinking on his toes and saw Ryan with his back to him, and threw the sheet over and tackled him. While the two were on the ground, Pearson began to tie Ryan's feet with the rope. Unfortunately, no one thought to unknot the rope before the capture. Therefore, as Pearson was being kicked and trying to tie up Ryan's feet with knotted rope, William was struggling to keep the sheet on Ryan's head. Luckily for them, Ryan's little brother, Jeremy Macleod (later camera man and semi-sub agent) came out and began to attack his brother in family hate. With this addition, Pearson tied up Ryan’s feet as well as he could, and shot a party popper into Ryan’s stomach at point blank range. As the smoke cleared, the person would still not sign. As Pearson began to whip Ryan with the left over rope, and William breaking his arm using a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu shoulder lock, Ryan finally gave in and signed the paper. After the capture, Ryan was recruited as a sub agent and Jeremy as the camera man/subagent. Item Received: Plastic Bunny

The second capture: The creation of the Writ of Time

With two sub and two full agents, the HHG was feeling good, and decided to capture a very illustrious prey. Wally Perliskey, another case of underestimation. This capture lead to a HHG law that would help in all future cases. The original target, which has of 8/13/03 not been captured, was Big Jeremy Ribble, a giant among people. The plan was as follows. Once again Pearson would be the decoy man, William would be the Blanket person, and this time (after untangling the rope) Ryan would be the person to tie him up. Little Jeremy was of course the cameraman. As we waited at Big Jeremy's house, waiting for him to answer the door and follow the dove, Wally walked outside. William, Ryan, and Little Jeremy stayed out of sight while Pearson lured him over. As he set foot on the lawn, William and Ryan tackled him to the ground. As soon as he hit the ground, he began to claw William with his half an inch long nails. Thinking quickly, William put the blanket around the claw arm, as Ryan tied the rope around it. Pearson began then to tie the feet while William and Ryan tortured him a little bit. After the tying up, we asked him to sign as we handed him the pencil in his free hand. As we waited, he stabbed William in the arm with the pencil! Quickly drawing back, we knew at once that Wally was dangerous with the pencil. Pearson quickly subdued him with a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Shoulder lock from behind. Once again when we asked him to sign, he said, and I quote "I cannot sign when I have the stupid hippie [Pearson] breaking my damn arm and fu***ng Ryan cutting off the circulation to the mitten [the sheet arm]!" Once again, they all made the mistake of letting one arm go with a pencil. Crazily, Wally began stabbing and caught Pearson in the leg. They were ready for him this time, as Pearson held his arm down while he signed with his wrist. Wally then ate the paper! Chewed up the paper he was to sign that would have admitted his defeat, and kept it in his mouth like a squirrel! Luckily, the HHG foresaw such events, and revealed the backup copy. Wally then began to thrash in vain, and Pearson decided it was time to take action. Forty-five minutes was too long to wait for one capture, thought Pearson, so he manually made Wally sign. Pearson grasped hold of Wally’s wrist and wrote "Wally P." We then all admitted it was a signature, and at that second, the unwritten [but now written] Writ of Time had been created and enforced. Afterwards, Wally became a sub agent. Coincidentally, Jeremy was not home, and as of yet has not been captured. Item Received: Nothing as of yet.

Dennis the Mennace: Writ of Curse

The writ of curse got its name in a weird way. This capture, unlike all the others, was a major overestimated battle, but a long distance of tracking and following clues. The original plan was that Pearson, Wally, William, Ryan, and Jeremy would all go over and capture Dennis. Now, with the usual plan, they began to wait. However, lo and behold, Dennis was not home! So after Wally using his cell phone to call a friend of Dennis', they found out he was at the Park. So beginning to ride again, they eventually arrived at the park. No Dennis! They then began to think of all possible friends in the neighborhood Dennis lived in. After systematically checking, they eventually found him, skating with three other friends. This one was smarter than all the others, and took off running as soon as he saw the rope. William chased after him, and after a good five minute run, William caught up to Dennis and took him down. The rest of the gang caught up, easily tied up his hands, and then easily tied up his feet. They put the blanket on his head (for no good reason), and decided to take him back to the house where he was skating. However, Dennis was too heavy to carry, partly because they were all lazy and did not want to carry him. Pearson thought quickly, pulled up Denis’ skateboard, and suggested they take him back on the skateboard. It worked, and they went down to the cul-de-sac. Dennis frantically screamed for his friends to get knives to cut the rope with. Realizing that the group did not like people with knives, they all quickly pressured him to sign. On the first copy, he wrote, "F**k you all" (this was the saved copy.), and on the second copy only managed to write, "F**k yo.” Since it had again been 20 minutes, the group was going to wait out the 10 and call it a capture. Now, lets remember, Dennis screamed to his friends to get the knives. One of them actually did come out with a knife. He cut off the feet restraints, but did not cut off the hand restraints. Feeling the tension, the group left with the sheet and the decoy, but the rope was a casualty of war. Therefore, on every fifth of August, it is Rope Remembrance Day in the HHG. After leaving, they decided "Fuck you all" should be counted as a signature, and the Writ of Curse was made, it being the Writ of Curse because of the Curse word wrote on the copies. This was the first captured person we did not allow to become a sub agent. The Full agents are still reviewing his membership.



Item Received: Nothing, but hopefully some rope.

The Falling of a Giant

Jeremy Ribble, a much long wanted capture, was finally attempted. Knowing that they would have to try to hold down a person larger than both of them combined, Pearson and William were going to do it anyway. Planning to recruit all of the HHG sub members they could, they soon found out that this would not be as easy as they thought. With Ryan being out of commission, Dennis having football practice, and Joe having to baby-sit, it was looking bleak for the HHG. They could only get one person, and that was Wally. However, this capture would go in a new direction. With the absence of rope, duct tape was going to be used. There was still a sheet, but the decoy was also different. Wally was the decoy! The plan was that Wally calls Jeremy, changes his mind, and as Jeremy walks away, we all jump him. This did not work as planned. All was going according to plan, Jeremy was walking away, but only William and Pearson tried to jump him! As they tried, Jeremy walked into the street. Now, the HHG has certain standards, such as not to get hurt preferably. Tackling someone in the street, that could hurt the members a little bit. Therefore, as William let go, seeing an opportunity failed, and Pearson being kicked, they eventually made it all the way across the street. Trying to surprise Jeremy, Pearson quickly threw the blanket over his head, and caught him in a full nelson. Trying to pull him into the grass, William came over to help. Nevertheless, eventually he broke free, due to the slippery sweat. Thinking quickly, Pearson stuck his foot behind him and tripped him. As Jeremy fell to the ground, Pearson quickly jumped on him, and back mounted him (it is kind of like when your dad used to give you a horsy ride, except with a choke). William and Wally then began to tape up Jeremy's feet. However, half way through the taping, Wally left! He said his dad would not let him stay out any longer. Pearson and William were determined to capture him, and did not give up. To their luck, William’s girlfriend Ashley showed up. She did not do too much at the beginning, except helping somewhat with taping, and threaten to slap Jeremy if he hit William again. With Jeremy's violent flailing, he hit Pearson in the middle of the forehead. Pearson decided it was pain time for Jeremy. He crossed his legs, and began to straighten them out, thusly crushing his ribs. As Jeremy made painful noises, a stranger from the street (at that time), was riding by. Jeremy screamed, "Help me Fool!" to the stranger. He got off his bike, and walked up. To Jeremy's surprise, he began helping with the tape! I would now like to thank Mr. Zak Oaks for his assistance. After finally finishing the taping job of his legs, and moving towards his arms, Jeremy surrendered and signed. Alas, there was no pen! In all the commotion of preparation, they had forgotten the pen! Luckily, Ashley became useful and found a pen in the car that she had ridden in to get to Jeremy’s house. After signing, William and Pearson left quickly. Afterwards, threats of "black eyes" were distributed to all participating members in the capture.

Item Received: Nothing

The Crappiest Capture Ever

This capture was more walking than anything. The target was Bryan Tilton, a much-anticipated capture. The plan was the usual: The old bait and capture. Unfortunately, old Bryan was not home. Therefore, with our elite tracking skills we set off on the search for Bryan. Ten minutes later, he was found at a friend’s house and previous captured (Big Jeremy). Seeking revenge for the capturing, Big Jeremy stepped forth menacingly. Not wanting to be smacked, the HHG members (Pearson, William, and Wally) stepped back into the safety of the street. Luring Bryan out of the garage to taunt us, Pearson dragged him across the street into someone’s lawn. Afterwards, William immediately tackled Bryan and lay on top of him. Within a few seconds, he was tied up, hands and feet. Then he openly admitted to sign the paper. This was so pathetic; we burned the paper and did not even decide to post it. Perhaps next time around he will put up more of a struggle. 1